One of the great things about working in retail (for the time being) is that I get to see all the trends come to life. People pass through day in and day out, looking like they have referenced, studied and executed to a T, trends that have filtered down from the runways and into the high street stores. However, when the homogenisation comes to a crescendo and everywhere you turn people have started to look like faceless carbon copies of one another (like an eerie version of Stepford Wives, only you see more butt cheeks than teased bee-hives) you just know that it has to stop. Thankfully, the new season is just around the corner and everyone gets a clean slate for their autumn/winter wardrobes. Here are just some of the few trends that I feel have gone on for far too long, and are now ready to retire- if not forcefully erased from human memory.
The Ass-baring Booty Shorts- This comes up on the top of the list simply because. There are shorts, then micro shorts which by all standards are not that offensive to my retina. However, if you are under 16 and sporting what looks like an American Apparel pair of butt-cheek-baring shorts (or actually some try out a pair of re-done, high-waisted mom jeans that are equally uncool), please stop. They are ill-fitting especially if you a bit too big to be letting your booty hang like saddlebags. Let's be honest here- they do not look good on anyone unless your ass can defy gravity and you much like the look of le camel-toe, but more importantly, it's just too uncomfortable to look at. Burn the damn thing and buy yourself a pair of actual pants.
Crayola Chinos paired with Y-Neck Tees- If somebody had told me a couple of years ago that chinos will be making a comeback in a much more gayer incarnation, I would have laughed in his face. Fast forward to 2012 and cue the boys of One Direction... and pouf! Out from the closets of Topman and the like came the crayon box chino parade. The streets of England became dotted with bright, rainbow coloured trousers that look like it should have stayed in the catalogues of OshKosh and Baby Gap, especially with those hideous Y-Neck, fluoro lined T-shirts. It was fun during the summer, and admittedly I did want a nice mustard coloured pair, but enough is enough. They are neither smart nor chic. Unless you are a thirteen year-old pre-pubescent boy, please move on to the men's section and pick out something else.
Drop Crotch Pants- Two words; Nappy Boy. Nuff said.
Tatty Hair- Get a brush. Top buns, although they promote lazy grooming habits, I can deal with but this? Since when did it become okay to look like you are housing birds for the National Trust? Or worse, your hair looks like a bad wig that has been played with and gnawed at by fighting kittens.
Espadrilles- I applaud TOMS for their great charity work with children, however on the basis of style- it is in my personal opinion that there are simply better shoes than espadrilles. I'm not really too keen on the look of them, and when you get to a point where even a market stall in Skegness carry a wide stock of knock-offs for the masses, you should know it's time to ditch them. What's wrong with a classic pair of Chuck Taylors?
Floral Kitsch- Too many flowers nauseate me, but you insist on carrying bags or wearing dresses that look like curtains and tablecloths- be my guest. At least you know whoever's making the dress has seen The Sound of Music, or at the very least- Enchanted.
Faux-Americana- Since when has Britain become totally pro-US? The Olympics just finished and with the Paralympics still on the roster you'd think we'd be a bit more Britannia loving patriots. Did you not see our Queen jump from a chopper? If that doesn't make you want to wear more Union Jacks I don't know what will. Sadly, most high street stores still sell these Americana, star-spangled apparel (even in disgusting jegging form) and it just looks so...faux. On the plus side, if you are not blessed with thighs like Giselle Bundchen's your ass will most likely look like a flag rolling and rippling with stars and stripes. Wave em high!
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