After years of constant scrutiny, it seems haters are still aching to tear Christina Aguilera apart. There’s Kelly Osbourne poking fun at her recent weight gain, the fickle music industry who hung Aguilera to dry after Bionic was released, a gaggle of vacuous Little Monsters (enough said really), and the press who…well, peck at anything they can. It is true that with a decade of success and an undeniable golden talent, you’d think Christina would have had it easy, but no. Somehow the world still refuses to just open their eyes and admit that she is a one of a kind, legendary artiste.
Let’s start with her post-divorce weight gain. First of all Kelly, you started the war when Jack gave Christina a call and she called back. Remember your fucking tantrum on the Osbournes? It’s a case of the pot calling the shining gold kettle black. By any standard, except for the ones they use at Elite Models, Christina isn’t fat. She’s a what? a size 10? Yeah, big woop on the obesity front. She’s beautiful at any size (not to mention healthy!), unlike others who may have lost the weight but are still as crass as the next chav in line to get their Dole. You’ve been skinny for ten minutes Kelly. When karma bites a fat bitch, you get 20lbs just like that. Oh and don't forget. She may be 'fat', but she's still pretty. Kellyphants remain looking like...well, Kellyphants, skinny or not.
Next. Bionic. Aguilera’s fifth studio album released last year. I would like to point out to all the critics who gave it a thumbs down, that it was as introspective as any other of her albums. She took a creative curve and she produced something new. I think Claude Kelly, who worked on three songs or so on the LP, nailed it on the head when he said that people didn’t really LISTEN to the full record. They heard Not Myself Tonight and decided it was a Gaga-repackage and just gave it the deuces. Bionic boasted at least four deep and introspective tracks, and the rest weren’t mediocre either. It was a solid pop album. However, it seems this generation is just so insipid, they’d rather listen to somebody sing about a Telephone, or any song that mention Jack Daniels. I can’t blame them though. My generation grew up listening a mix of very emotional and edgy 90s music mixed with diva ferociousness and the decadent pop music of the Millennium. This gen’s musical identity is, sadly, nothing but a hodgepodge of all that is past. It’s the truth and nobody wants to admit it. Instead they keep their paws up and look the other way. I think Christina’s choice to take longs breaks in between records may have be a reason for her supposed ‘relativity’ issues, but nonetheless, Bionic did not emulate any other artist. It was Aguilera doing what she does best, sexy pop. I’ll stop here before I continue blabbing further. You get the point.
Burlesque. If you count $100mil world wide a FLOP for a movie, then my God we’ve just had at least a dozen this year so far. Glitter did not make that much, and neither did Coyote Ugly or Crossroads. I think people need to understand that the movie asked not to be taken seriously. It was a tongue-in-cheek throwback to the golden age of MGM musicals. In fact, I think it’s even better than some of the oldies. Yes, I’m talking about Gypsy. But anyway. It was a fun and solid start for Christina’s acting career. Whether or not she can pull off an Oscar-winning performance a la Cher, is still in the horizons, but what she isn’t is a bad actress. Maybe she should grow a moustache and be in a ghetto-serious film like Mimi?
The National Anthem. I’m not American so I can’t talk about this from a patriotic POV. However, from a simple performance perspective, she messed up a line. BIG DEAL. I noticed it, but until people started tweeting about it, nobody really cared. Then came the bandwagon and played Pied Piper. I have American friends who watched the SuperBowl and I was the one who pointed it out. Ten points of knowing your National Anthem! Point is, she sang live. There are lots of videos on Youtube showing her singing it since she was 11. She knows the anthem, she just got beaten by nerves. Was she supposed to stop and start again? And a quick Grammy note as well. She PAID tribute to Aretha. Yes. PAIIIIIIIIIIID tribute. That slip at the end happens every year in Miss America and Miss Universe, and every single red carpet event. Is this what the press lives on these days? Trivial matter to feed empty shells? She just did Aretha proud and all they could say was ‘OMG she just slipped. *tweet, tweet, tweet* Bite me.
Her public image. I don’t see anything wrong with it. These days the press can turn the nicest person out there into someone phony and fake just because they want to. She has always been nice and bubbly, a bit of a diva (because she is and she can be), but she’s never been publicly rude or socially inept. This year excluded, she’s had a clean record. No head shaving or car bashing, or theft charges, or anything. The DUI charges wasn’t even because she was driving. She was drunk (yeah, like everybody else can be prudish about THAT) in the back seat. That’s like a common sight everywhere. Fortunately, The Voice has given her the opportunity to show that she is likeable and fun, at times even the warmest and most maternal. We will never really know what she’s like because we dont personally know her, but from my standpoint, again she’s fine. Just dandy in fact. And this diva thing. So what? She’s paid her dues, she’d fought back at her critics, she’s got a talent that can back up an attitude. At least she doesn’t ask for her trailer to be full of puppies just because she wants to dry her hands. She is a big LGBT supporter, she helps the World Food Programme, she’s a freakin’ saint!
Finally, let’s go straight to the pink elephant in the room. Are you seriously going to give me a comparison of her artistry to the likes of Rihanna (Beyonce 2.0), Katy, Gaga (Christina-Britney-Madonna-Pie) and the likes? The latter three are a new crop of pop newcomers (yes, it is the reality of it. Deal.) and Aguilera has nothing to prove. She’s been around for over a decade, and even if pop isn’t your thing, if you have taste then you’d appreciate what Christina has produced over this period. Stripped is ICONIC. One of the best albums in the last 20 years. If you don’t think so, either have a listen of just go to a therapist. Chances are, RKnG’s fanbases haven’t even gone as far as listening to Mi Reflejo. They were toddlers when Xtina was XTINA. Dirty brunette with ass-bearing chaps. Some may have seen her in between Back to Basics and Bionic. So really, the Aguilera they’ve seen isn’t the five-time Grammy winner, who has worked with almost everybody in the biz. The Aguilera who is respected by record execs and the rest of the music world. At least not to the fullest. Her voice is iconic. Incomparable to anybody else. If I had to choose any other artist to be in league with her, it would be Adele, Amy Winehouse (for artistry for sure) and Beyonce. The latter being that they both started at the same time, hot on the heels of Mariah, Whitney and Celine. The rest are all just mediocre at best, and the Aguilera beast can eat them for breakfast on a day she has the flu.
So what be the verdict on this case? Mine would be that these haters are either jealous, ignorant or just in denial over the fact that they secretly play Dirrty when no one is looking in hopes that they too can one day rock the assless chaps. She’s already a legend. I suppose they all to go through some turbulent period to even further their claim at a lasting career. One thing is for sure however. Good press or bad press, flops or hits, Christina Aguilera will always be musically relative and that talent will live on and join the ranks of her idols Etta, Billie and Nina. She’s already been given the blessing by Etta herself. I seriously doubt she gives a flying fuck to any critic who thinks otherwise. Grab a mic, hit her Ain’t No Other Man note, then we’ll start this debate again.
xoxo
P.S. Wish for a Death Note this Christmas so I could write ‘Mario Lavandeira’ on it. Don’t worry Perez, I’d make your death nice and public, just the way you like it.
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