Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One

In the penultimate installment of the Twilight Saga, we see the lives of Bella Swan and the Cullens take a turn, perhaps for the worse. Obviously if you've read the book, you know what this shit is about, but what the hell...let's talk about it. Is it just me or do they just get worse each time they release a sequel? I feel like the bigger the buzz has become, the crappier the performances have been. I never thought that it was possible for the Twilight triumvirate of Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner to worsen acting that was never good to begin with, but as it turned it, it was. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's break it down shall we?

So I decided I would give myself an easy evening after the past couple of days that have been hectic. I figured, what else could be easier than watching Twilight right? It doesn't take that much effort to sit and watch and get through it. Big mistake. I didn't plan on spending £6-7 to sit through a dud, and fortunately thanks to the magic that is the internet, I found a fairly decent stream. Let me start off by praising whoever recorded the thing, it was a good one. It was clear and crisp, an easy 6/10 in quality. I could see the foundation lines on Alice's face. It was beautiful. 

Now before I say anything, I know what you're thinking. "If you don't like it, why do you watch it?" or "Well who asked your opinion?". There are a great number of trolls out there who just rag on and on about anybody who is opposed to K-Stew and R-Patz, but I don't really care. What I do care about is how they have single handedly managed to ruin a perfectly entertaining series of Young Adult Vamp literature by creating such horrendous film adaptations. And I revel in bitching about these thing. If you don't like what you read then stop. It's the same thing that happens whenever the Harry Potter movies came out. I would nitpick then appreciate the film on its own because despite the inaccuracies from the book, the films were fantastic. The same cannot be said about the Twilight series however. Not only were the books constrained to the level of holiday reading quality, but the movies double the ridiculousness with its high budget, cinematic snafu. What sensible film enthusiast would pass up the opportunity to take the movie apart and burn it at the stake? 

The beginning was a bog standard, milking-of-what-you-paid-for-scene with Jacob running in the rain, topless. He doesn't do it for me and I certainly don't see what people find attractive about him. Is it the skin-deep quality that is his craft? Is it his perfectly toned body that compensates for the lack of talent? As it appears, nobody cares about any of these because they're too busy drooling over the child. This is even made more ridiculous since both in the book and the film, he is more or less irrelevant. Why is he still in the movie again?  Skip ten minutes later, and there we go again. K-Stew walks down the aisle, in a wedding setting that I must admit was beautifully made (oh and there's Stephanie Meyer getting her 'cameo') in one of the movie's highlights- her wedding dress. Designed by Carolina Herrera, the dress makes the first half of the movie. They did get something right and if it was going to be anything important, it was always going to be the dress. However it saddens me that an actress of her calibre, one who has performed alongside Oscar winners like Jodie Foster, resorts to fidgeting and a face that spells out constipation to pass off as an acting performance. All the while she was walking looking like a girl up in Leeds having the shits on a night out, I kept re-editing her script "Oh my god, I can't stand this any longer. Why did I sign up for this? I don't want to retire yet.."

The honeymoon location was divine. It looks like a refurbished version of the set they used in Cheetah Girls 2, when that had that concert in the street. Again, Bella looks uncomfortable...but! not as painful as Edward looks whenever he kisses her. God, grow a pair! She's already shown she's not made of glass and she's ready to commit. It's okay to touch her. Jesus. The 'love scene'- if you can call it that-was not as steamy as it was in the book. I felt more sex in Meyer's PG-13 chicklit than in this movie. Rob looks uncomfortable as he goes through the motion of what happens in sex (he's playing an old vampire, you'd think he'd know the tricks...but NOOOOOOOO.  Where was he from? The Victorian era? I can't remember, but I am pretty sure that the prudes of his age were the most sexual people. K-Stew looked bored as hell. "Rob, did you not wash again today?" was what I read in her face. And yes Bella, for a human it can be better than that. Skip another ten minutes, and oooh babygirl, Edward is mad he's going to have to pay for child support!

How I wish I reacted more like her. If I was a fan and as sexually frustrated as she is, this would be me too. 

So they come home and they hide Bella away because she's preggers. Standard. While she's suffering there, all kept thinking was how come they managed to finally give Alice a great haircut while Rosalie is still stuck in Christina Aguilera's Burlesque wig, four movies in. Also, when will Jacob's voice break? Has he not gone through puberty yet? Tell you what though, this boy has promising bitch-fit skills. He is serving Bella some pizzazz while lecturing her on the consequences of her pregnancy! Oh girl, you just need another set of weaves and couple of snaps honey! FIERCEEEEEEEEE! 

More skipping, and then finally we reach the climax. Bella has turned into Madonna posing as Skeletor and the baby decides to chew its way out. A little nod to Lady Gaga's atristry here, a couple of annoyingly false screams there et voila! Renesmee is born! What a cutie. Of course that was not the highlight of the second half. No. It is the beautiful and cinematic take on photoshop, It was like watching magic happen, not entirely dissimilar to seeing Madonna's before and after editorials for Louis Vuitton back in 2008. Or to Scarlett Johannson's slow transformation as Marilyn Monroe to Ann Summer's signature blow-up doll for the Dolce and Gabbana beauty campaign. This was the magic that Kristen Stewart had in the last few minutes before the film ended. It's that vampire venom (yeah, because Stephanie just HAD to change some Nosferatic rules now didn't she?) can automatically give you a full facial and make-up service while it resurrects you from the dead. Pretty handy no? Definitely better than Tru Blood and it's instant high. I would choose Twilight's instant glow over substance abuse, anyday. Also, if you are a Twilight vamp whose intent on not reproducing, surely you'd make sure you are double bagged instead of going in blind? There is a Safer Sex Ball being held at the Leeds University, I think tonight? Just pinch some Durex. Twilight is a valuable cautionary tale about teens trying to grab life by the balls. Stop having vampire sex at 18, they can get you pregnant with cannibalistic spawns. See the panic in Jacob and Edward's faces? If you don't want a baby, use a baggie. Be smart.

Overall, I give Breaking Dawn Part One (..because they're as cool as the Pottermores) a very generous half star. I am so glad I just streamed this shit because had I gone and spent money at the cinema, I think I would have spent more on pick and mix just so I could throw it at the screen. I couldn't do that to my Mac. Granted that I did burn half of my brain watching Eddie and Bells try to get it on, I did enjoy writing about it tonight. Obviously, if you are a fan, you have deluded yourself into thinking this is the shit. No it isn't. Read an actual book. Wuthering Heights by Charlottle Bronte is as dark and depressing. Jane Eyre has more sexual tension in it than your average porno. Plus, they have better scripts. Save yourselves before Part Two arrives!!!!

xoxo